I have skipped an update on Lil’Sophie today because thankfully we are home and its been an uneventful day! Yay! She napped lots, ate well, and visited with both sets of grandparents so it was a good day.
So I wanted to write something that has happened to me, which is why this entry lives on my site and not hers. Today is the day before Lil’Sophie’s open heart surgery. I’ve imagined how I would feel for many months now. I’ve cried my eyes out. I’ve begged and pleaded with God to make a miracle that would involve her not needing surgery. I have fretted over this upcoming event for so long. And now it’s Surgery Eve.
Sophie is at risk for bleeding out every single day of her life. Let me just say every day for the last 9 months there is not 1 day that has gone by that I have not felt fear. I’ve prayed to God soooo many times. I’ve asked Him to take away my fears. I’ve openly declared that I’m giving away my fears to Him. I’ve even visualized throwing my fears in His hands. I would remind myself “Cast your fears….. cast your fears…..” but I’m casting. Believe me I’m casting! At one point I even asked God, how do I give my fears to you? They are NOT going away. I’ve prayed for peace, focused on scriptures, sang songs about it. You name it.
And it seems everyone who is a Believer has an opinion on what me (and my husband) should be doing. Anointing oil, holy water, scriptures, healing rooms, demanding and declaring over Sophie, Christian music, hymns, specific prayers – honestly I could go on and on. We have been bombarded with instructions and things we should and should not be doing. To be quite honest it’s overwhelming. Especially since the God I believe in has told me to come to Him and He would give me rest. I’ve worn myself out trying to do all these special things that is apparently what God responds to, instead of a simple prayerful relationship which is what God and I had to begin with.
But this is about our little girl. And my husband and I decided a while back that we would not let our pride get in the way of her healing. So we’ve done everything we’ve been told to do. We’ve repented of all the things that others told us that either we did to cause her birth defects or perhaps our family history was responsible for her being born this way. It’s done. The religious checklist is complete.
And now I would like to get back to my simple life with my Lord Jesus Christ. I’ve always trusted that He was in control. Even in these fears I have NOT doubted it. And a couple of times that I got close to questioning it, within hours He gave me very specific signs that He was paying attention. It is not that I don’t believe in miracles. I do. I believe He’s working in that little girl right now. The issue at hand is that I KNOW deep in my spirit that God will heal her. I’m just not sure which side of Heaven it will be on. My fear is that God will answer ALL OUR prayers of healing and take her to the only place she can be whole. And I selfishly don’t want that. I want her here with me all the days I walk this earth. I’m not expecting that she will be in Jesus arms tomorrow, or even the next day. But if God takes her a month from now, 2 years, 10, 20 years ANY time while I’m alive that is too soon for me. And I think that any parent, no matter how strong your relationship with God is, HAS THAT FEAR. And if you can look me in the eye and tell me that you have absolutely NO FEAR of your child being taken home to Jesus – I will reach out to check your pulse.
Now to the super important stuff!!! As I said, today is Surgery Eve. And today is the 1st day in 9 months that I woke up with NO fear. A miraculous peace has washed over me that has no explanation its origin than straight from the most powerful God. I believe that at this moment so many people are praying for us : family, friends, current coworkers, past coworkers, acquaintances, even strangers. This is NOT how I imagined this day. And it’s because of YOU. All of your prayers, encouragement, and support is overflowing Heaven and washing over me. Thank you so much. I just can’t express it enough. Your prayers are being heard and answered.
I do not know what God has in store for our little girl – but today I rest in peace.